he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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