Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
