If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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