I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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