nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
