smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
