I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize