At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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