My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
