I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize