He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
