Fuck appropriateness.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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