WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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