I wish my penis had an off switch
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
