my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
