Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
