In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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