Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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