I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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