frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
