How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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