so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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