yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
