I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
