i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
