If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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