I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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