mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Someone signed my nipple.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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