I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
