I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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