I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
