it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
