I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
