Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there was a trapeze. enough said
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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