What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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