Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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