Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
