using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You took a bar mat shot.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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