Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
