I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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