She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize