he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
two words...techno handjob
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
