I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
