Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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