I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
