so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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