I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
