Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
