Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
