I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm passing your future prison.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
