I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
