If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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