you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
