My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
