so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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