your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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