how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
