I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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