I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize